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1st Girl Phoenix

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Sorry about not writing [Mar. 10th, 2006|09:13 am]
1stgirl_phoenix
[mood |sleepysleepy]

I know that I am really supposed to at least jot something down every day... but lately that just doesnt seem possible. I am having trouble even getting to the puter sometimes, let alone having enough time on it to try and make any sense of what is going on in my mind. I see the Dr on the 13th. I am debating discussing the lifestyle with him and then trying to discuss the sub-drop that I experienced a couple of weeks ago. I am just not sure if he is going to think that I am crazy or try and say that my Dragon is abusive or any of the other crap that those outside of the lifestyle say about our relationships. PLUS!!!! IF I tell him that I have this craving for pain and such....I am totally afraid that he will try and put me on some sort of meds to 'fix' it. I am NOT broken... I dont need fixed. I am a slave and a witch.

Went to Karaoke again last night. Tried out for the contest again... didnt make it again. I totally dont know why I put myself through this. I used to have such an awesome voice... but years of being told to shut up and shit has made me not have any confidence in my ability.

Hell... it has taken Dragon a year and a half to help me with my confidence enough to think that I am worthy of leading a coven. I know... I have more time in the craft then most people that I know... (24 years), and that I have knowledge... but that still doesnt make one worthy of leading others. Dragon thinks that I am. I really do try to believe him... sometimes it is just hard though. I feel that as soon as I think that I am worthy is the day that I will fall on my face.


My drop... it was strange... I just woke up one morning and felt 'normal' again. (whatever normal is). It was like it was just gone. I dont know what that means or if others have had this exerience... but I was happy to see it leave. Dragon and I have not really made love sence then. I think that he is making me wait to either make sure that I am totally okay, or just cause he is a Sadistic Master. (I personally think that is it the latter). We sort of did last night. We did not finish and even though I BEGGED, he said no. (whine whine whimper whimper) I know that he likes it when I am all hot and bothered... I get much more affectionate like that.

My home is driving me INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!!! With Mercury in retrograde the communication around here has totally broken down. The only two people that are talking well are me and Dragon. I dont know why we are always able to talk, but we are. Adrainne and Tati are going at it like crazy. They dont know how to just drop the shit and ignore each other. Adi wants her tv back and Tati thinks that Adi is the antichrist or something. I think that I am going to have to sit them both down and tell them that they are acting like a couple of babies. Hell though, Adi is only 15... Tati is the grown up. She should know better and stop bickering with a child. Stop being anti-social, get off the computer and the video games, come upstairs and be part of this family! PLUS!!!!!!!!! The apt is in a constent state of mess currently. NO MATTER how many times it is cleaned... it is still messed up!!! I know that part of it is because nothing can be put away really until the new furniture getts here in about 2 weeks... but DAMN It is going to make me pull my hair out until then!!!!!! ~~Okay... rant done. Thank you

Anyway... I am still so very tired... I think that I am going to go cuddle with Dragon for a bit.

1st Girl Phoenix
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: crimsonpickle
2006-03-11 11:49 pm (UTC)
People need an organizer.
The Leader is little more than the one who stands in front and directs attention to necessary matters.

Experience helps, indubitably, but confidence is key.
People all have something to share, everyone is teacher and student.
But somone has to call a potluck before everyone can bring their entree. Y'know?

Here's to the founder of the feast,
-Chad
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