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1st Girl Phoenix

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The Wet Spot [Apr. 2nd, 2006|07:58 pm]
1stgirl_phoenix
[mood |contentcontent]

Last night was soooooo wonderful. We went to the Wet Spot. It was the first time the I was ever used in public. It was wonderful. I wanted to attach a picture of the aftermath, but my Master doesn't want my naked body on the net. My Master says that the redness has faded some overnight and that I heal fast. But looking in the mirror, it looks just as red today as it did last night. I am proud of these bruises and welts. (Yes.. there are still welts even 20 hours later). I know that I most likey could have taken more than I did, but I am glad that we stopped when we did. I dont know what I would look like today if we didnt.

I have spent most of today sleeping and resting. I ate, and dinner is cooking now so I will also be eating more. It is strange, but I am not having the drop as bad as I have before, and I was beaten more than I usually am. Maybe I just planned for it better this time. Anyway. That is it more now.

1st Girl Phoenix
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Slaves thoughts [Mar. 23rd, 2006|11:48 pm]
1stgirl_phoenix
[mood |peacefulpeaceful]

I am a slave. I have a slaves heart. I live to serve my Master and make him happy. My joy is seeing his joy, my pain is seeing him in pain. I am NOT abused, nor am I taken advantage of in any way. I am loved. I am healthier than I have ever been. I am a slave. I am at peace.

1st Girl Phoenix
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today [Mar. 16th, 2006|01:22 pm]
1stgirl_phoenix
[mood |depresseddepressed]

I am feeling a bit off today. I got a call from my mother this morning. The stuff from Oklahoma will be here tomorrow. She wants me and Dragon to come out there and help her go through some of it. We know that the furniture is mostly coming here... but there are boxes of stuff, pix, photoes, kitchen stuff etc. They need me there. My mother has been there so much for me, I just need to be there for her.

There wont be a memorial service up here for my Grandmother. My daddy is not in the state to be able to have to go through another one. I will have to find a way to bring closure to this myself. I need to talk to Dragon... but he is alseep. I cant wake him. He did not sleep lastnight...he needs to get some sleep. I know that when he reads this he will tell me that I should have woke him up anyway. I just cant though. Maybe I need to work some of this out in my head before I share it with anyone. I sort of told Tati.. asked her to do the class for me tomorrow night. I dont think that I will be able to do it. Either we wont be home or I wont be up for it. So... I need to write it up. I am not sure what to do. I know that if I tell the coven that I am to do this, everyone will be understanding of it.

Why is it the cool holidays that are now always going to be fucked up for me??? She died on Valentines day and the stuff is coming in on St. Patys day. Fun huh? At least Tammys St. Paty party is not this weekend, it should be fun. I think that I will need the release. I wish that I had the money to go to the Wet spot on Saturday, I could really use the chance to put Priestess away and just be me for a night.

Anyway... I need to jet.

1st Girl Phoenix
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Last Night at the Wet Spot [Mar. 12th, 2006|02:24 pm]
1stgirl_phoenix
[mood |sleepysleepy]

Okay!!! I had a wonderful experience at the Wet Spot lastnight. It was the very first time that I have ever been to a BDSM Club. I have been to the Church in Dallas... but this is much different. My Dragon had me in my collar and on my leash, I did not go anywhere without the leash. My Master and I did not play last night... he was wanting to check out the people and the energy before we played there (This is normal right?).

But at the end of the evening he did spank me OTK. It wasnt a long spanking... but I knew my place. It was sooo very wonderful. I cant wait to go back...I think that we will play next time. It is normal for me to be so very exicted about beinging used in public? This is not something that I have ever done or I thought that I would want. But here I am wanting it....

1st Girl Phoenix
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Sorry about not writing [Mar. 10th, 2006|09:13 am]
1stgirl_phoenix
[mood |sleepysleepy]

I know that I am really supposed to at least jot something down every day... but lately that just doesnt seem possible. I am having trouble even getting to the puter sometimes, let alone having enough time on it to try and make any sense of what is going on in my mind. I see the Dr on the 13th. I am debating discussing the lifestyle with him and then trying to discuss the sub-drop that I experienced a couple of weeks ago. I am just not sure if he is going to think that I am crazy or try and say that my Dragon is abusive or any of the other crap that those outside of the lifestyle say about our relationships. PLUS!!!! IF I tell him that I have this craving for pain and such....I am totally afraid that he will try and put me on some sort of meds to 'fix' it. I am NOT broken... I dont need fixed. I am a slave and a witch.

Went to Karaoke again last night. Tried out for the contest again... didnt make it again. I totally dont know why I put myself through this. I used to have such an awesome voice... but years of being told to shut up and shit has made me not have any confidence in my ability.

Hell... it has taken Dragon a year and a half to help me with my confidence enough to think that I am worthy of leading a coven. I know... I have more time in the craft then most people that I know... (24 years), and that I have knowledge... but that still doesnt make one worthy of leading others. Dragon thinks that I am. I really do try to believe him... sometimes it is just hard though. I feel that as soon as I think that I am worthy is the day that I will fall on my face.


My drop... it was strange... I just woke up one morning and felt 'normal' again. (whatever normal is). It was like it was just gone. I dont know what that means or if others have had this exerience... but I was happy to see it leave. Dragon and I have not really made love sence then. I think that he is making me wait to either make sure that I am totally okay, or just cause he is a Sadistic Master. (I personally think that is it the latter). We sort of did last night. We did not finish and even though I BEGGED, he said no. (whine whine whimper whimper) I know that he likes it when I am all hot and bothered... I get much more affectionate like that.

My home is driving me INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!!! With Mercury in retrograde the communication around here has totally broken down. The only two people that are talking well are me and Dragon. I dont know why we are always able to talk, but we are. Adrainne and Tati are going at it like crazy. They dont know how to just drop the shit and ignore each other. Adi wants her tv back and Tati thinks that Adi is the antichrist or something. I think that I am going to have to sit them both down and tell them that they are acting like a couple of babies. Hell though, Adi is only 15... Tati is the grown up. She should know better and stop bickering with a child. Stop being anti-social, get off the computer and the video games, come upstairs and be part of this family! PLUS!!!!!!!!! The apt is in a constent state of mess currently. NO MATTER how many times it is cleaned... it is still messed up!!! I know that part of it is because nothing can be put away really until the new furniture getts here in about 2 weeks... but DAMN It is going to make me pull my hair out until then!!!!!! ~~Okay... rant done. Thank you

Anyway... I am still so very tired... I think that I am going to go cuddle with Dragon for a bit.

1st Girl Phoenix
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March 1st [Mar. 1st, 2006|10:16 pm]
1stgirl_phoenix
[mood |anxiousanxious]

Well...Dragon is out with Adrianne. i know that this was very important to her, but i wish that they were home. I really dont like it when I am apart from Dragon for any period of time. I have found in the last few weeks that I am very dependant on him. I knew that tonight was going to be like this.. that it was going to throw me of my center. That is why i went and rented movies for the boys and I . they are currently watching Doom. I am sure that i well watch it with Dragon in the next day or two. We watched Alone in the Dark already tonight. I have played on the forums for collarme and checked my email. I keep hoping that kitten will come online and I can chat with her. the last couple of days have been very full. We almost have the house totally reorganized, preped for the new furiture that is comeing.

Anyway... I think that I am going to mess around in my room... try and get the dresser moved maybe.

1st Girl Phoenix
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I just thought that this one was way cool [Mar. 1st, 2006|10:15 pm]
1stgirl_phoenix
[mood |happyhappy]

You Are Lightning

Beautiful yet dangerous
People will stop and watch you when you appear
Even though you're capable of random violence

You are best known for: your power

Your dominant state: performing
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Am I really this evil?? [Mar. 1st, 2006|10:11 pm]
1stgirl_phoenix
You Are 60% Evil

You are evil, but you haven't yet mastered the dark side.
Fear not though - you are on your way to world domination.
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Its Monday... [Feb. 27th, 2006|12:41 pm]
1stgirl_phoenix
[mood |annoyedannoyed]

Sorry that i didn't post anything in a few days. I really wasnt home for most of the weekend.

We went to the OLOTEAS 10 year anniversary on Saturday. It was very good for me to get away and have a chance to de-stress. We swam in a heated indoor pool. It allowed my nerves as well as my body to unwind. I think that I was able to release alot of the emotion from lastweek. The circle was totally beautiful. It made me understand that we have a long way to go as a coven. I would love to have us all be able to recite the rituals that we do from memory instead of having cheat sheets. I am hoping to take the rest of the coven to the next public rit that they do.. I want to show everyone that has not seen a well preformed rit what one looks like. I know that we have the ability to do this... we are just sooooo full of those that are new to the craft. I am totally scared that I do not have the ability to teach or lead them. I know that this is unfounded. If they did not have faith in me... they would not be here. I know that I am just venting. The day that I feel that I am worthy of leading this coven will be the day that I step down.

About my drop.... I was able to feel completely recovered after Saturday. I dont think that this would have been soooo bad if I had not bee dealing with all the emotional crap that was going on this last week.

Nick..... my poor son... He has been assulted again at school... BUT!!! This time there was an adult there!!! The school is calling the police and filing this as an assult. I will make sure that the charges are pushed to the legal limit that is possible. I am soooooooo Sick of Nick being the target for shit at school. He is home now. He needs me.

1st Girl Phoenix
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Good night [Feb. 25th, 2006|01:03 am]
1stgirl_phoenix
[mood |sleepysleepy]

Okay... so my Grandmother was buried today. It has really messed with me. I have had to be strong today for my folks, well, now that the kiddos are in bed and I am sitting here I am able to deal with it. I miss her. I wish that I had more time with her. I know that she lived a long life and all that...but that really does not help.

Anyway... My drop has been better today. I am coming out of it, I think. Right now I think that the downs that I am feeling is because of the death of Grandma. Plus... I had a phsyc assessment today. These are always very rough for me. I hate having to deal with dredging up my past.. parts of me that i am trying to let go and release. these parts of my past that helped make the person that I am today, but have damaged me almost beyond repair. I know that I must deal with this... but it still hate having to talk about it to someone that is a total stranger... someone that doesnt really care about me... someone that has no interest in my health or recovery. does that make sence to you??

SOOO...I have to try and turn over what is left of my control to my Dragon. I have to trust him to guard and protect me. To know what is best for me and what I need. I know that because of the issues that i have, I am not able to really take care of myself. I need to depend on my Dragon to do this for me. I know that in the realm of the lifestyle, that I need my Dragon to be my Master... to provide me with safety and security and love and care. I have to work on turning over that rest of my control to him. To know that he will not let me fall. He will always protect and care for me. But the issue is the turning over of that control... I am not sure how to go about doing this... It scares me.... I will have to meditate on this and see if the Gods give me any insight on how to do this.

Good night all.. I will write more later.

1st Girl Phoenix
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